Oftentimes I deal with a situation which appears to be bad by entitling it as – A Blessing in Disguise. As I’ve always been a chaser of blessings, and the moment trouble appears I’m checking out its benefits. So these days I’m stoically convincing myself that I’ve been newly dumped because my dumper would have been a nuisance in the lovely unknown future which is coming towards me.
Although I feel sad at having been discarded, I feel sure that the cosmos or a higher force has decided that this person’s rejection of me is for my protection. As for the sadness I must release – the river I find myself crying – well, enough Insta posts have told me that crying like laughing is good for us.
Over twenty years ago I heard about an autobiographical novel called Pain The Gift That Nobody Wants and, for some reason, I always remembered the title. Dr Brand studied pain and its implications as a world leading leprosy surgeon. Brand pioneered new technology to improve the lives of lepers, whom he found had such short lifespans mostly because they don’t have a functioning pain system and for instance might not even know how to avoid extreme heat.
Dr Brand understood that on the one hand, the brain needs to recognise pain so that we can avoid danger. On the other hand, pain is only pain because your brain says so. The most quoted sentence from Brand’s book is, “pain is not the enemy, but the loyal scout announcing the enemy…” For myself this means that the anguish I feel from being abandoned has come to let me know the true identity of my betrayer.
To illustrate the point of how light can be found in the darkest dark, Dr Brand reflects on World War II. In his book he refers to a poll which found “60% of Londoners who lived through the Blitz remember it as the happiest period of their lives.” If it’s true I imagine they found joy in unified determination and hope. Brand says that after the war in society’s pursuit of pleasure “and attempts to eradicate discomfort” we inadvertently became less able to cope with pain. Brand writes, “We silence pain when we should be straining our ears to hear it…we work too long and too hard and take a tranquilizer.”
Dr Paul Brand and co-author Philip Yancey have age-old wisdom about dealing with pain. To summarise – they suggest we get physical and pray or meditate to calm down and numb “pain-intensifying effects of anger and resentment.” The writers also suggest gratitude lists and having a network of friends and family (but maybe don’t include the ones that give you pain!) The book explains that to avoid pain, step one: think positively and step two: connect to the present moment.
This idea of living in the now which is advice often given to people having panic attacks (feel your feet on the ground, what do you see, hear and smell) can be tricky to action. The painfulness of pain is that it makes us vulnerable – in hurting, we feel powerless; we’re like puppets to something we can’t control. When I feel like I’m in an escape room without a door to pass through, in my better moments, I can sit down, be quiet, maybe hug a cushion. In the stillness, the exit usually appears. Although there’s no average for how long that takes, and listening to music usually speeds things along.
