Oftentimes I deal with a situation which appears to be bad by entitling it as: A Blessing in Disguise. As I’ve always been a chaser of blessings, the moment trouble appears I’m checking out its benefits. So these days I’m stoically convincing myself that I’ve been newly dumped or ghosted because my dumper is going to be a hindrance in the unknown future that is coming towards me.
Although I feel sad at having been discarded, I feel sure that the cosmos or a higher force has decided that this person’s rejection of me is for my protection. As for the sadness I feel certain I must release – the river I need to cry – well enough Insta posts have told me that crying like laughing is good for us.
Here’s a few of my challenges that I choose to see as pros rather than cons:
When I can’t sleep at night, instead of throwing my duvet and pillows around I get up, telling myself that I need to be awake and embrace the night energy. This is usually followed by me writing poetry which gets me sleepy.
The moment I start to feel unwell, I give thanks for the clear message to R&R – rest and relax. And if the illness won’t go away even after watching too much entertainment, then I know this patient need more patience.
In the past I’ve had jobs which I disliked and I was tied to them because I needed money. The moment that I passed the pain threshold for a certain office job, instead of anguish, I chose to think about my options. Motivated to look for other attractive work, I understood that necessity is the parent of invention.
When I’m in a highly unpleasant conversation or find myself in a get-me-out-of-here-I-feel-stuck scenario, I try to see that which torments me as bringing me a further lesson in being resilient.
As for all those daily moments I call a ‘mistake,’ well, like an actor being filmed, my motto is – a mistake is a chance to retake.
Over twenty years ago I heard about a book called Pain The Gift That Nobody Wants and to this day, although I’ve never read Dr Paul Brand’s autobiography published in 1983, I still remember that title. Just recently I googled the book and learnt that Dr Brand studied pain and its implications as a world leading leprosy surgeon. Brand pioneered new technology to improve the lives of lepers, whom he found had such short lifespans mostly because they don’t have a functioning pain system and for instance might not even know how to avoid extreme heat.
Dr Brand understood that on the one hand, the brain needs to recognise pain so that we can avoid danger. On the other hand pain is only pain because your brain says so. The most quoted sentence from Brand’s book is, “pain is not the enemy, but the loyal scout announcing the enemy…” which I’ve translated to mean – don’t weep over being dumped; the betrayal has come to let me know the unmasked face of my betrayer.
Dr Paul Brand and co-author Philip Yancey have age-old wisdom about dealing with pain. To summarise – they suggest we get physical and pray or meditate to calm down and numb “pain-intensifying effects of anger and resentment.” The writers also suggest gratitude lists and having a network of friends and family (but maybe don’t include the ones that give you pain?) The book explains that to avoid pain, step one is to think positively and step two is to connect to the present moment. When I’m in a frustrating situation and I’m shouting, “I don’t know what to do!” what gets me to a place of calm is acceptance of my not knowing. After all the next minute of life will still happen and the next and time, thankfully, doesn’t stop.
This idea of living in the now which is advice often given to people having panic attacks (feel your feet on the ground, what do you see, hear and smell) is tricky to action. The painfulness of pain is that it makes us vulnerable – in hurting, we feel powerless; we’re like puppets to something we can’t control. When I feel like I’m in one of those escape rooms only without a door to pass through, my remedy is to sit down, be quiet, maybe hug a cushion or a stuffie. In the stillness, the exit usually appears. Although there’s no average for how long that takes, and listening to music usually speeds things along.
To illustrate the point of how light can be found in the darkest dark, Dr Brand reflects on World War II. In his book he refers to a poll which found “60% of Londoners who lived through the Blitz remember it as the happiest period of their lives.” I can’t believe this but if it’s true I imagine they found joy in unified determination and hope. Brand says that after the war in society’s pursuit of pleasure “and attempts to eradicate discomfort” we inadvertently became less able to cope with pain. Brand writes, “We silence pain when we should be straining our ears to hear it…we work too long and too hard and take a tranquilizer.”
My top ‘bummer to blessing conversion’ is with feeling stressed. Just invert the word ‘stressed’ and hey presto! a reminder to eat desserts. And to prove that beneath every crème brulee top layer of hardened caramelized sugar there’s a creamy vanilla custard, I’m happy to declare that there was no writer’s block in the making of this month’s New Letter. This one is dedicated to that person who dumped me.
